The Marriage Of High Hopes
Sunday, August 22nd, 2010Tom and Susan walked into my office. No, this was not an official session. Just a couple of friends and me sitting down to talk over their relationship. They had been arguing on a regular basis, like a couple of days out of every week. Some of it had to do with his anger, jealousy and past experiences. Some of it had to do with her sharp tongue and dominating personality.
After I listened for a while, I asked them how often they’d been fighting over the last few years. Their reply, “I think we’ve gone a record four weeks without fighting.”
What!!? I could see that they weren’t kidding. I realized right there that if they didn’t do something radical, they would never save their marriage. So I asked them if they wanted to continue living in their relationship as it was right now. Both of them agreed that they hated it and wanted things to change.
After asking them a couple more questions, it became clear that they weren’t dealing primarily with problems in their marriage. Their relationship was only bringing out the weaknesses and problems in their own personalities and history of experiences. Neither one of them had ever spent time working through those problems, and as a result, they were bringing their personal flaws into their union and then attempting to build a healthy relationship on the weaknesses that were rampant in their own individual lives.
That may sound confusing, but we see this all the time in couples who are struggling, even though they still would like to save their marriages.
The more they talked, the more we all realized that they were attempting something impossible. It was like building a house on a base filled with cracks and imperfections. Without repairing the foundation, the building would end up crooked and out of square. The cabinets would never fit in the corners and the doors would never close properly. Before this couple could go ahead in repairing their marriage relationship, they needed to take some time working on their individual personalities and issues.
Tom really loved his wife, and it suddenly dawned on him that he needed to find a mentor or counselor who would help him deal with his issues of anger and jealousy, so that those things would no longer impact his relationship with her. Susan realized that she was going to have to find a mentor or counselor to help her moderate her sharp tongue and learn how to stop dominating Tom.
That was yesterday. Both are actively seeking out strong mentors who have good marriages; people who will be able to counsel and direct them in growing and changing personally so that their weaknesses don’t continue to contaminate their love for each other.
My hopes are high. I’ll keep you posted.
Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com
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